Read a friend's blog just now.
saw a message to me.

I thought i should tell the truth why i didnt want to go school.
It is not that school is a boring place nor im too lazy to go.

just that i dont feel belong anymore.
I used to love school alots, but now, it seems to be getting further to me.
i hate to be alone in school.
i hate it!
I used to have best friends around, having my own clique.
last time, we even quarrel with other groups of people for table we always used.
but, it just suddenly disappear.
My best friend dont talk to me,
i have to face people who i dont really likes.
and the one who treat me well now, is the one i used to quarrel
Going to school just remind me of everything.
I really hope everything will go back to normal.

Someone once told me,
I changed alots this year. I used to be talkative and active,
but, now i turned very very quiet and hardly talk.
I used to be hardworking but now, i have no motivation to move forward.
Last week,
When I did the wrong piece of worksheet instead of the one Mr Tan ask the class to do. And I still made a fuss about i didnt have the worksheet.
Mr Tan look at me furiously and seems so disappointed in me,
I almost cried in class but i didnt wanna cry in front of him so i pretended to be sleepy instead as my eye were red already.
I felt really bad that moment and really reflect on what i did for the past few months. And, i found out, i really did nothing.
And I really dont have the face to see Mr Tan anymore.
He is the one who always cheer me up whenever I did badly for my exams.
He is the one who always have hope with and believe in me.
He is the one who gave me motivation to do better.

But, what did I give back to him?
I gave him lots and lots of disappointment.
I did not give him the results he wanted to see.

Sometimes, I really felt like crying in class.
Everyone seems to answer so well when teachers asked a question
and my mind is blank.
I just seems like someone who just joined the class,
dont understand anything. i really thought of giving up.

Sometimes, i may joke and say happily that my knowledge stopped at Sec 3.
But, in my heart, i feel like killing myself for being so dumb.

Yesterday,
I cried right after my mum say like I will fail my O levels if didnt hardwork.
I really really wants to. but how?
I already dont know where to start.

No one will understand how i really felt,
Everyone seems to have such high hopes for me,
but, i cant be able to achieve them.
Everyone seems disappointed in me now.

Im really really tired.
really felt like giving up.

Im just a disappointment to people who believe in me.